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Learning how to be more real with other people without losing yourself

Many of us walk through life feeling slightly out of sync with others. We want deeper connection but often feel awkward, misunderstood, or unsure how to bridge the gap. For years, I searched for tools that could help — nonviolent communication, improv, psychology books — always looking for a better way to relate.

That’s why I was excited to sit down with Sara Ness for this episode of Phil Phails. Sara is the Chief Catalyst at Authentic Revolution and has spent over a decade developing games and practices that make authentic relating accessible and transformative. Our conversation felt like a living example of the work itself: honest, curious, and full of discovery.

From Co-ops to a Global Movement

Sara’s journey into authentic relating started in Austin’s housing co-ops — intense, high-responsibility environments where young people had to figure out conflict, decision-making, and group dynamics with almost no guidance. It was messy, but it sparked a deep fascination with how people connect (or fail to).

After traveling the country visiting intentional communities and stumbling into ecstatic dance, she encountered her first authentic relating practices. For someone who felt socially lost and possibly on the autism spectrum, the structured yet playful games were revolutionary. They gave clear rules for interaction while encouraging genuine discovery.

What began as informal games nights grew into a thriving community that’s now been running for over a decade, with trainings, retreats, and facilitators worldwide.

What Authentic Relating Actually Is

At its core, authentic relating uses short, experiential games to practice presence, vulnerability, and honest expression. It’s not about performing or getting it “right.” It’s about slowing down enough to notice what’s true in the moment and sharing that with others.

Sara emphasized that these aren’t rigid techniques but playful experiments. Games like “Watermelon” (noticing how someone shows up), curiosity rounds, or split-brain dialogues (exploring inner conflict through role play) help people move beyond habitual patterns — constant joking, rapid-fire questions, or rehearsed stories.

The goal is simple but powerful: discover together instead of performing for each other.

The Challenges: How People Get Stuck

We talked openly about ways people can struggle with authentic relating. One common pitfall is staying in safe, familiar territory — retelling old stories instead of exploring what’s alive right now. Another is using humor or questions as deflection when vulnerability feels uncomfortable.

Sara shared her own history of social missteps, getting kicked out of living situations, and feeling like an outsider. These experiences gave her deep empathy for anyone who finds conventional relating exhausting or confusing.

My Personal Reflection

This conversation hit close to home. I’ve attended authentic relating events and even been asked to step back from a community at one point. Hearing Sara’s story of social challenges and persistence made me feel less alone.

What surprised me was how much structure and playfulness can coexist. What challenged me was recognizing my own habitual patterns — the urge to fill space, perform, or intellectualize instead of simply being present.

Sara’s calm, clear presence reminded me that authentic relating isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about having better tools to show up as we are.

Practical Takeaways

Try short games with friends or a small group: one person speaks while the other reflects back what they hear.
When you notice yourself telling an old story, pause and ask: “What feels true for me about this right now?”
Practice slowing down — it’s okay to say “Let me think about that” instead of rushing to respond.
Use humor consciously rather than as a default shield.
Create low-stakes practice spaces where people can experiment without pressure to perform.
When facilitating or participating, focus on discovery together rather than having the “right” answer.
Be patient with yourself and others — these are skills that improve with playful repetition.

Conclusion

Authentic relating offers a hopeful path: we don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns of disconnection. Through simple games, honest reflection, and willingness to discover in the moment, we can build communities where people feel truly seen.

Sara’s work shows that connection is a skill we can practice — messily, joyfully, and together. I left the conversation feeling more hopeful about my own capacity to relate and more curious about what might unfold next.

About Sara Ness

Sara Ness is the CEO and Chief Catalyst at Authentic Revolution, the Community Guru at the social health nonprofit Seek Healing, and an advisor to the rationalist organization Rethink Wellbeing.

She has trained over 10,000 students, influenced leaders at companies like Google and Dell, and helped build intentional communities worldwide. Sara is a trained mediator and Circler, widely recognized as an expert in facilitation, experience design, and community building.

Find Sara: