Understanding Narcissism: Traits, Relationships & Healing

Phillip Jones sits down with LCSW Jamie Figari to unpack narcissism beyond the buzzword. Learn the spectrum from grandiose to vulnerable, how it shows up in relationships, and practical paths toward empathy and growth. Honest conversation on Phil Phails.

meet Jamie Figari

We throw the word “narcissist” around a lot these days. Exes, bosses, politicians—almost anyone who frustrates us gets labeled. But what does narcissism actually mean? In this conversation with Jamie Figari, LCSW and holistic psychotherapist, we moved past the stereotypes to explore the real spectrum, the pain underneath, and what healthier relating looks like.

Jamie brought clarity, compassion, and clinical insight without the usual jargon. We started with the ancient myth and ended with practical ways to build awareness in ourselves and our relationships.

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The Spectrum of Narcissism

Narcissism isn’t all-or-nothing. Jamie explained it exists on a spectrum. We all have some narcissistic traits—healthy ones help with self-protection, boundaries, and confidence. Problems arise when traits become rigid and impact relationships.

  • Grandiose Narcissism: Characterized by charisma, a constant need for admiration, a sense of superiority, and sometimes exploitation.
  • Vulnerable Narcissism: Characterized by hypersensitivity, victimhood, emotional reactivity, and covert self-focus.

Both expressions stem from pain, often early attachment wounds or conditional love in childhood.

The DSM-5 criteria (needing 5+ traits) include grandiosity, fantasies of unlimited success, lack of empathy, and entitlement. But Jamie stressed diagnosis is nuanced—she focuses on patterns and impact rather than quick labels.

Narcissism in Relationships

This is where it gets personal. Many of us have experienced (or been told we exhibit) these dynamics. Jamie described love bombing followed by withdrawal, conditional affection, and difficulty with true reciprocity. Partners of those with strong traits often feel drained, unseen, or like extensions rather than separate people.

A key point: people with narcissistic traits often attract highly empathetic partners. The dynamic can feel intoxicating at first but becomes painful when empathy isn’t returned. Jamie emphasized that underneath the grandiosity or victimhood is usually fragility and unmet needs from the past.

Why Compassion Matters (Even When It’s Hard)

Jamie reminded us that these patterns usually develop as survival strategies. Understanding the roots—trauma, family systems, conditional love—doesn’t excuse harm, but it can reduce shame and open doors to change. Healing requires insight, accountability, and often professional support.

We also touched on cultural factors: social media reward systems, achievement-focused parenting, and our quickness to diagnose others while missing our own blind spots.

My Personal Reflection

This episode challenged me. I’ve been called narcissistic (usually in heated moments) and I’ve labeled others the same. Hearing Jamie distinguish traits from disorder helped me breathe easier. What surprised me was how much vulnerability hides behind grandiosity—and how common covert patterns are.

I’ve noticed my own tendencies toward over-functioning or seeking validation through busyness. The conversation made me reflect on where I need more genuine empathy versus performative caring. It also reinforced that growth is possible when we get honest about patterns.

Practical Takeaways

  • Notice patterns across contexts — If victimhood or superiority shows up everywhere (work, home, friendships), it may point to deeper traits worth exploring.
  • Build self-awareness — Regular check-ins like body scans or journaling help catch when you’re slipping into defensiveness or entitlement.
  • Practice reciprocity — Ask yourself, “Am I seeing this person as separate from me and their own needs?”
  • Seek professional insight — Therapy (especially trauma-informed or somatic) helps unpack roots without self-diagnosis.
  • Strengthen healthy traits — Use confidence for connection, not control. Celebrate real achievements while staying grounded.
  • Set boundaries with compassion — You can protect yourself from harmful dynamics while holding empathy for the pain underneath.

Final Thoughts

Understanding narcissism isn’t about labeling people. It’s about seeing human patterns more clearly so we can relate with more honesty and less reactivity. Jamie’s grounded approach showed that even difficult traits come from understandable places—and that change is possible with awareness and effort.

About Jamie Figari

Jamie Figari is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and holistic psychotherapist in Austin, Texas. She specializes in trauma, addiction recovery, and complex relationship dynamics. With a background in yoga instruction, she integrates mindfulness, somatic practices, and evidence-based approaches to support nervous system regulation and post-traumatic growth.

🌐 Find Jamie:

These conversations keep showing me how much we share beneath the labels. The more we understand the “why” behind behaviors, the better we can show up—for ourselves and each other.